Lafayette, My Inner Thetan is Stressed!

10 03 2007

****Are you familiar with South Park’s Scientology Episode? Good!

This past Thursday, I ventured down to DC on my first business trip with my coworker buddies Ashley and Rebecca. Our trip started out great: a nice train ride down, a gorgeous hotel, and an amazing first night’s sleep. Our Friday started with a few early interviews in the hotel’s restaurant. After 3 awesome interviews to start the day, we decided to take a break and take a walk around our area of DC. After walking a few blocks, we come across this:


That’s right, the Founding Church of Scientology. I’m not one to poke fun at other *Religions*, but I’ve done my research, and I’m not buying it. Now, when we walked by the Church, all I wanted was that photo you see above. But when it was all said and done, our curiosity for the funny caught up to us and we ended up inside and going on a free tour with “Sheila the Wonder Drone”!

One of our first stops in the Church of um… oh.. yeah.. Scientology, was the office of L Ron Hubbard himself. Oh wait, that’s not right, because it was a *Replica* office. How freakishly bizarre is that?

{ Lesson 1: the “L” in “L Ron Hubbard” stands for Lafayette. }

According to “Sheila the Comatose Wonder”, every Church of Scientology has a replica of L Ron Hubbard’s Office, so all can see where Mr. Hubbard wrote most of his Science Fiction. Yep.. that’s what I said, Science Fiction. Before leaving the replica office, “Sheila the Robot” shows us the Creed of Scientology and some of its “Laws”. Yep… Laws… Sheila then explained to us that one of Scientology’s main goals is to make people “happy”, by finding the “painful memories or thoughts” that cause us stress and unrest, and suppressing them.

{ Lesson 2: Basically, by numbing yourself to the emotions and feelings that have shaped you as a person and made you who you are today, you will become happy… huh? }

“Sheila the Depressed” then gave us a small speech about happiness, and about how happiness is not something that can be easily obtained. And did you know that you can’t by happiness at a store? Also, in order to obtain happiness, you need to do a little dance. To better express her exact words and meanings, and to show you our expressions of confusion and held-back laughter… I give you, Ashley and Rebecca!

After our little incident of confusion, “Sheila the Sad” took us downstairs and gave Rebecca a stress test on what she called an E-Meter.

E Meter 1
{ Funny looking thing, ain’t it? }

So Rebecca sits down, grabs on to the machine’s two cylinders, and “Sheila the Nut” asks Rebecca to spit out any thoughts of stress and unrest. After Rebecca starts to feel like she’s in therapy, “Sheila the… okay, I’m done” gave her a pinch. This wasn’t just any pinch. It was more like an uncomfortable caress. Yuck! Sheila then asked Rebecca to recall the moment of the caress… I mean growth… I mean Pinch! (Sorry, brain fart). While Rebecca starts to think about the pinch, and the little meter starts to haywire. Suspicious… I know… In fact, Rebecca wasn’t thinking about the pinch at all, which made it even more suspicious.

{ Lesson 3: Thetan!? Huh!? }

So, how did this all end, you ask? Sheila gave us a DVD that explains Dianetics and the writings of L Ron Hubbard. Finally, after a half hour of silence, we leave the Church. No disrespect to Scientology. I just can’t help but to be a little… skeptical… about a machine made up of two tin cans and a science fiction writer telling me I’m not happy because my inner-thetan is being weighed down by stress. Cheese?

Read more about this uncomfortable experience by going to Rebecca’s Blog and Ashley’s Blog




2 responses

14 03 2007


18 05 2007
Humor Blog

Actually, this is a religion you can buy. With actual money.

Let’s go Mets!

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